Survivor Grief Following an Impaired Driving Crash

Before the 1980's, vehicular crash-related death and injury were considered merely unfortunate. Victims were thought to have been in the wrong place at the wrong time, unable to avoid "accidents". With the advent of MADD and then MADD Canada and other highway safety groups, crash victims are no longer considered simply an amorphous mass of statistics. They are considered legitimate victims of crime if the cause of the crash was drunk driving or another form of extreme negligence. There are no "accidents" when the accused driver was impaired; they are called "crashes".

Try to imagine saying "goodbye" to your relative, on one very normal day, fully expecting him/her to return at the expected time. Instead, several hours later a police officer knocks at the door, bringing the family the worst, most devastating news of their lifetime. No time to psychologically prepare, no time to say "I love you."

While the statistics of the numbers of the deaths and injuries are quite compelling, they are even more significant when we acknowledge that for each person killed, a myriad of parents, siblings and spouses, colleagues and friends find their lives forever changed by what has happened.

The grief resulting from an impaired driving crash is not unlike that in which a family member is murdered. The loss is sudden and unanticipated, leaving no time for anticipatory grieving, for saying "Goodbye," "I'm sorry," or "I love you." The death is violent, very often rendering bodies unviewable prior to the funeral. When the victim is a child, the sense of untimeliness may be overwhelming, as parents do not anticipate their children dying before them. Another apparent source of intense grieving is the senselessness of the crime. Most victims feel the drunk driver made a poor choice and the crash could so easily have been prevented. In addition, the victims feel chronically frustrated trying to obtain justice in a criminal justice system that all too often still considers drinking and driving a social problem and consider crashes to be accidents rather than crimes.

Everyday in Canada, there are over 200 people injured by an impaired driver. These injured victims often relate that "injury overspends energy" for months or years following the crash as they cope with ongoing pain and medical treatment and financial insecurity as well as depression and fatigue. They must learn to accept new limitations in the context of families where others have to adapt their life style to care for the victim. Also a high percentage of crash victims suffer closed head injuries, which are difficult to diagnose and treat.

Everyday, on average, more then four innocent Canadians are violently killed by an impaired driver. Understandably, there is substantial variation in terms of specific manifestations of grief and in the speed with which people move through the grief journey. Some theorists have also pointed out that the precrisis personality of the individual is the significant factor in determining one's coping skills.

Most researchers report that the most frequent immediate response following crisis regardless of whether or not the loss was anticipated, are shock, numbness and a sense of disbelief. However, the unanticipated nature and violence of a murder or vehicular homicide would likely result in a longer period of numbness and shock. This can be deceptive in that survivors may appear to be "holding up well" but it is more likely that the crisis has not penetrated awareness.

Because of their need to get to their loved one's body, many family members will want to go to the crash scene, to the hospital morgue or corner's/medical examiners officer rather than wait till the funeral home has prepared the body. No matter what the relationship to the deceased, we all have an inherent need to "parent" or helpless loved one. MADD Canada, strongly encourages police officers, EMS personnel, coroner's/medical examiners, clergy, physicians and funeral directors alike, to support a family in their strong need to view the deceased victim. Tell the family members EXACTLY what they will see before they approach the body. Describe trauma, dismemberment, and significant amounts of blood, colour and odor changes and let the family members again decide their course of action. Offer them options and control in an uncontrollable event in their lives!

The helplessness of the victim/family is the factor that causes them to be unable or even unwilling to discuss the practical matters like insurance and settling the estate. It is clear that the presence of loved ones who can join them in their grieving is needed as a support. If the professionals (funeral directors) who interact with the family are not able to do so in an empathetic, understanding, and honest manner, they are not helpful. While numbness is wearing off for some, it is still present for most victims. Confusion decreases significantly from the time of the death notification to the date of the funeral. The symptoms of shock, such as physical pain (often described as a "heavy heart"), loss of appetite, insomnia, uncontrollable crying and physical weaknesses are also decreasing by the funeral date. However, a lack of ability to concentrate remains constant and sadness increases, accompanied by the symptoms of helplessness and a need to withdraw. For the funeral director, this means that attention to detail and an increase in accurate communication is imperative!

Anger towards the accused driver is extremely high in the first week after the death. In fact, there are studies that parallel the feelings of victims of impaired driving crashes and those families where a member was murdered by a stranger! Because lab work is often necessary to prove the intoxication levels of the drunk drivers, many families are held in an anxious state, awaiting final reports, while having to deal with the details of the funeral.

Accepting the emotions expressed by the victim family, no matter how extreme ids the most helpful position for a funeral director to assume. Typically, the family has a need for acceptance and understanding by a small group of supporters, to whom they feel close. Too many people, especially caregivers whose goal it is to discuss practical matters or try to explain the tragic nature of the loss, are not helpful.

While a week after the crash is ordinarily only a few days beyond the funeral, it represents a different picture because activity will have decreased and the family may begin trying to come to grips with the altered family structure. Many people still feel numb, but sadness is predominant in all. A lack of ability of concentrate has increased along with insomnia, confusion and physical weakness (which are all symptoms of depression). Because more information about the circumstances of the crash is likely known at this point, anger and helpless rage overcome most. Feeling a loss of the purpose of life and even experiencing suicidal thoughts are experienced by many. By the end of the first week, the withdrawal of family and friends and their resumption of regular activities are very painful for the victim family to witness. People in shock may appear strong and the usual supporters may not feel needed. Their only interests seem to be about gathering information from the police, medical personnel, witnesses and the crown attorney. If they are put off, or informed about distressing details or charges that seem inadequate, they feel re-victimized.

The search for meaning is an attempt to gain mastery over the event. Funeral directors who interface with victim families from the time the crime is committed throughout the early weeks need heightened sensitivity to the victim's need to know details ands to have a sense of control over what happens to themselves and to the accused.

In the few months after the crash, the clinical symptoms of depression are still present although they continue to decrease. Helplessness continues to increase in frequency, perhaps expressive of the acceptance that the loss is real. Anger at the accused also increases and it is in this time frame that the frustration with the criminal justice system is fist being experienced. Contacts are decreasing, but there is typically a huge appreciation for the supporters who take the time to listen and empathize rather than give advice. Victim's families rarely think of anything else, so talking about the crash with them does not create new stress.

Many impaired driving cases are plea-bargained in return for a guilty plea to a lesser offence. Historically this takes place without the victim family being notified, since they have not official standing in criminal cases. Frustrations also occur with not understanding why the court issues the seemingly endless and unnecessary continuances. If the case does go to trial, surviving victims will be excluded because they are witnesses to the crime. If however, the accused is found guilty, the victim family members and friends are permitted to submit and read their Victim Impact Statements to the court prior to sentencing. The anger experienced by the victim toward the offender (and the criminal justice system) is often difficult to resolve until after the legal process is finished, including all possible civil litigation cases which begin after the criminal process is complete. Typically the family is looking at years of emotional investment.

Men report accepting the reality of the crash sooner than women do, they seem to regain their confidence to speak openly about the details of the crash sooner and initiate recreational and social events sooner. Typically, women feel as stronger desire to help and educate others on the subject matter of impaired driving before men do. Victims often help others in providing an outlet for keeping the memory of the loved one alive and by providing general emotional support.

Drunk driving has been studied since the invention of the automobile, but most significantly since evaluation tools for measuring blood alcohol content were developed. Now with testing devices like the Breathalyzer, the Alcosan, the Ignition Interlock Device and others, the exact technology is such that impaired drivers cannot dispute their blood alcohol levels in court.

MADD Canada (Mothers Against Drunk Driving) is a grassroots, charitable organization that has operated on the hypothesis that if victims of impaired driving crashes support and mobilize each other, their voice will be heard, sanctions will be toughened and eventually, impaired driving will be diminished. Alcohol related fatalities in automobiles, snowmobiles, water vessels, cycles and pedestrians are decreasing, but the stats are still too high.

Funeral Directors, supporters and the general public can now see that grieving the death of a loved one is lengthy and painful when the death is sudden, violent and senseless. Frustration with the criminal justice system adds yet another component to the difficult grieving cycle, a component from which one may never fully recover!

Consider adding these books to your funeral home's lending library: "The Victim's Guide to the Canadian Criminal Justice System", By Kate Riedel (Centennial College Press, 1989).

"No Time for Goodbyes" - Coping with Sorrow, Anger and Injustice After a Tragic Death, By Janice Harris Lord (Pathfinder Publishing, 2000).
"When a Drunk Driver Kills: A Widow's Survival", By Judy Mardorf (Taleteller Publishing, 1994).
"Injury - Learning to Live Again" - By Dorothy Mercer (Pathfinder Publishing, 1994).
"Clergy and Victims of Violent Crime - Preparing for Crisis Counselling" - By Dr. Wayne Leaver (C.S.S. Publishing Co., 1990).
"What to Do When the Police Leave - A Guide to the First Days of Traumatic Loss - By Bill Jenkins (WBJ Press, 1999).

Adapted in part from the works of Janice Harris Lord and Patricia Simone. Ms. Simone is MADD Canada's Director of Victim and Youth Services, and also a licensed funeral director and the author of "The Complete Funeral Guide - A Resource to the Practical and Emotional Issues…Before, During and After the Service" (Gravure-Craft, Inc., 1998).